


A World Alone

by feentanz



Series: One Shots [26]
Category: Nikolai Series - Leigh Bardugo, The Grisha Trilogy - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Secret Relationship, jurda parem
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-03
Updated: 2020-01-03
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:49:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22075018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/feentanz/pseuds/feentanz
Summary: Of course he had nothing to offer. No clever scheme, no plot. He was out of moves. “Zoya-” he said quietly, stepping closer. “Please.” His pleading voice seemed to have caught her off guard, since for a second her stern expression wavered. “Don’t make this hard for me,” she muttered, shaking her head. “I’ll take the antidote, and all will be fine.” “What if its not?” He didn’t dare to think of it. Of the consequences. Zoya was silent for a moment. “Then I suppose we find out whether Nina will forever be the only Grisha who survived a dose of jurda parem.”
Relationships: Nikolai Lantsov/Zoya Nazyalensky
Series: One Shots [26]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/594364
Comments: 4
Kudos: 41





	A World Alone

**Author's Note:**

  * For [crookedthorns](https://archiveofourown.org/users/crookedthorns/gifts).



> This is for Adi, thank you for reading this over for me & overall for being the amazing person that you are xx

“We’re done,” Tamar repeated for the third time, her watchful eyes still on the horizon. “There’s no way we’re making it.” 

Nikolai appreciated the honesty, but optimism was much more needed right now. He glanced at Zoya, his general standing next to Tamar, staring down at Os Alta with an unreadable expression. Her eyes were very dark. She wasn’t saying a word. 

“The Grisha await your instructions,” Tamar said in Zoya’s direction now, hands resting on her twin axes. “We need a plan.” 

Zoya raised her chin, turning her eyes away from the city. And the massive army standing before its gates, the army which spread up to the horizon. It seemed to be endless. Fjerda had come for them at last. “We don’t stand a chance,” she replied with ice in her voice, shaking her head ever so slightly. “Our best chance is probably try and bargain with Jarl Brum. See what he wants.” 

Nikolai frowned. “What he wants is you dead. And the rest of the Second Army.” 

A shadow passed over Zoya’s face as she gave him a quick look. “Our army is not fit for a fight, too many would die.” Her voice was calm, but Nikolai wasn’t fooled. The general’s mind was at work already, running through every possible outcome. 

“Ask him to talk alone,” Tamar suggested. “At least that way we can buy some time.” 

Behind them, a door slammed. Nikolai saw Nina Zenik rush onto the balcony, her cheeks flaming red from running. “Zoya,” she got out, panting. “We’re outnumbered.” 

Zoya still had enough spirit to roll her eyes, tapping her fingers nervously on the railing of the balcony. “I noticed, thank you, Zenik,” she replied sharply. “In case you don’t have some masterplan to save all of us, go back to the other  _ Corporalki.”  _

Nina lifted her chin, eyes glowing with determination. “I have, actually,” she said. “We need to use  _ parem. _ ” 

For a second everyone turned silent. Then Zoya exploded. “Have you lost your mind?” she hissed, giving Nina such an angry glance that Nikolai felt the urgency to step away. “If you think I would ever let you touch that stuff again-” 

Nina interrupted. “With  _ parem,  _ one Grisha would be enough to take half that army down,” she replied calmly. “It’s our only choice, Zoya.” She smiled mildly. “I’ll take the risk.” 

For a heartbeat, Nikolai hoped Zoya wouldn’t reply. That she would send Nina Zenik away without another word. But he knew her better, and he also knew what she was going to say. 

“No way,” Zoya replied, brushing a strand of dark hair away. “If anything, I’ll take it.” 

Nina paled.

“Nazyalensky,” Nikolai growled, giving her a warning look. “Don’t even think about it.”

Zoya’s eyes swayed towards the horizon, then back to Nina. “With the drug,” she said slowly. “Would I be able to take the army out?” 

Nina shot Nikolai a quick glance, as if to make sure she wasn’t going to get murdered for replying. “I don’t know,” she said eventually. “You can summon from more than one order, so who knows.” She bit her lip. “But I don’t think you should risk it.” 

Zoya brushed the concern away with a wave of her hand. “We have an antidote, don’t we?” 

“An antidote that was never tested before!” Nikolai replied, perhaps more heated than he should have been. His heart was racing in his chest. He knew what happened when Zoya was set on an idea. “It might not even work.” 

Zoya’s eyes met his, and for a second the world stilled. Nikolai felt a wave of regret rush through him. “For Ravka, I’ll take the risk,” Zoya said quietly. 

“No,” Nikolai repeated. “That’s an order, Nazyalensky.” 

Her lips curled up in a smirk, her eyes slightly narrowing. “Since when did you start ordering me around?” 

“Since you decided to throw your life away, apparently.”  
  
Zoya stiffened. “I’m trying to save this city,” she said in return. 

Tamar suddenly cut in. “I’m taking it,” she offered, her voice genuine. 

Zoya’s gaze swept to her. “No,” she replied, before Nikolai had the chance to say anything. “I’m your commander, if anyone is taking the risk it’s me.” She straightened, blue eyes blazing in the sunlight. “How much  _ parem  _ do we need?” 

Nina Zenik looked terribly uncomfortable. “I don’t know,” she began, then fell silent as she noticed the tension on Nikolai’s face. 

Tamar had noticed too, since she frowned and then turned to grab Nina’s arm. “We’ll talk to Genya and David,” she suggested, then dragged Nina away from the balcony. 

Nikolai waited until they were out of sight, then turned back to Zoya. “Are you insane?” he hissed, his voice suddenly hoarse. He was close to losing his temper. 

She crossed her arms in front of her chest, only glaring at him. “If you know any other way to save all of our lives, please let me know.” 

Of course he had nothing to offer. No clever scheme, no plot. He was out of moves. “Zoya-” he said quietly, stepping closer. “Please.” 

His pleading voice seemed to have caught her off guard, since for a second her stern expression wavered. “Don’t make this hard for me,” she muttered, shaking her head. “I’ll take the antidote, and all will be fine.” 

“What if its not?” He didn’t dare to think of it. Of the consequences. 

Zoya was silent for a moment. “Then I suppose we find out whether Nina will forever be the only Grisha who survived a dose of  _ jurda parem. _ ” 

He reached for her then, his hands brushing through her hair. They were on the balcony, out for everyone to see, but it hardly mattered. “Ravka can’t afford to lose you, Zoya,” he said quietly. “ _ I  _ can’t afford to lose you.” His lips brushed over the top of her cheek bone. 

Zoya sighed, leaning into the embrace. “Ravka also can’t afford to be run over by Fjerda,” she replied quietly, turning her face to look up at him. “If I can do anything to save this city, I will.” 

Nikolai found that he didn’t quite care about the city anymore. “We’ll find another way,” he tried again. Although he knew it was useless. 

Zoya got onto her tiptoes, pressing her lips to his for just a moment. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I really am.” Then she pulled away from his touch. “But I have made my decision.” 

He wanted to hold her back, do anything at all, but instead Nikolai let her go. Genya and David had joined Tamar and Nina by now, and when he followed Zoya inside the palace they were all deep in discussion already. 

Genya was rushing towards Zoya, her expression fearful. “You’re not serious, I hope,” she said, with real despair in her voice. 

Zoya didn’t meet her eyes. “I am, actually.” 

“Nikolai,” Genya tried weakly, giving him a look. “Say something.” 

But there was nothing else to say. Softly, he shook his head. Genya’s shoulders sagged, and she reached for David’s hand as if to hold herself together. In his other hand, the fabrikator was keeping a small box. Which contained  _ jurda parem,  _ most likely. 

Zoya was picking invisible dust from her sleeve, not looking at anyone. Least of all Nikolai. “Do we have any idea what might happen when I take it?” For just a second she sounded unsure of herself. 

“Try not to kill any of us, for a start,” Tamar replied dryly, earning a warning glance from Genya. 

It was David who provided an answer. “Judging from the fact that you can already summon from multiple divisions, I suggest  _ parem  _ will allow you to access all different areas of Grisha power,” he said calmly. “And multiply your existing skills.” 

Zoya’s expression was strained as she nodded, straightening her back. “Let’s get it over with, then.” 

But Nikolai couldn’t. “Zoya.” He stepped closer. “You don’t have to.” He knew what she felt, what guilt she carried on her shoulders. Novokribirsk, the shadow city. Zoya had always claimed its fate was her fault alone. She had always felt a need to make up for it. 

Her gaze met his again, and for a second the others around them disappeared. It was only her he saw. He wanted to pull her close again, kiss her and not care about who in the world might see. 

Then she shook her head, opening the box without another moment of hesitation. Before Nikolai could even react, she had swallowed the white powder. 

Nikolai froze instantly. Tamar’s hands glided to her twin axes as she watched, Nina Zenik clutching her hands to her throat. And then Zoya’s pupils grew, swallowing the usual clear blue of her iris. An instant shiver crept over Nikolai’s skin. “ _ Merzost,”  _ Tamar was muttering. Tolya’s lips were moving in a silent prayer. 

“Zoya,” Nikolai said carefully, not daring to move. He had no idea what the drug might make her feel, and he had no interest in being accidently killed tonight. Her gaze slid to him, and another shiver ran over his skin at the coldness in her eyes.  _ This was his fault.  _ His heart was growing more heavy. 

“Don’t get in my way,” was all Zoya said, even her voice sounding distant. Then she stepped outside onto the balcony. 

Genya was still clinging onto David, a silent tear running over her face. Tamar’s expression was grim. Only Nina was looking thoughtful. 

“What is it like?” Nikolai asked carefully, as he watched Zoya step closer to the edge of the balcony. “ _ Parem. _ ” 

Nina shook her head ever so slightly. “It’s like you just came alive for the first time. The whole world becomes different.” 

Nikolai heard the words, but he didn’t quite process them, since Zoya had raised her hands, a gust of wind suddenly rushing through the air, carrying her upwards. She was  _ flying.  _

“ _ Merzost, _ ” Tamar was muttering again, pushing past the others and rushing outside as well.

Above their heads, thunder was rolling. Dark clouds were piling up on the horizon, lightning cracking above the massive vast of the Fjerdan army. Right now, Jarl Brum was probably trembling with fear. 

Nikolai followed Zoya with his eyes, shaking his head slightly. Grisha were not able to fly. Especially not while they were controlling an entire storm. He didn’t like this. Not one bit. “She’s not going to fight the entire army on her own, is she?” He gave Tamar an alarmed look. No one else was moving to attack. 

“We don’t need an army anymore,” Nina Zenik said quietly. “One Grisha heartrender dosed with  _ parem  _ is enough to bring an entire army down already, and with Zoya’s abilities... “ She paused. “We should all be glad we’re standing on her good side.” 

Still, Nikolai couldn’t shake off his worry. He was stepping nervously from one foot onto the other, watching Zoya encircling the army from above. Lightning was still cracking. 

Suddenly he felt Genya’s hand on his arms, squeezing firm but gently. “If you make it any more obvious, you might as well just let everyone know you’ve been  _ with  _ Zoya for the past few weeks,” she muttered, low enough for everyone else to overhear, giving him a stern look. “Stop looking at her like she’s anything else but your general!” 

As usual, Genya was of course right. Nikolai straightened, giving her a quick thankful nod. He needed focus, not panic. 

That very moment, the Fjerdan frontline exploded. Meters of  _ inferni  _ flames shot into the air, just as Zoya gave a quick flick of her wrist. The smoke rose into the air, mixing with the rain which had began to fall from the clouds. People were screaming now, an uproar running through the lines of soldiers. Apparently they had begun to understand what - or better, who - was coming for them. 

Very slowly, as if she was taunting them, Zoya raised her hands. For a second nothing happened. Then she snapped her fingers. The first row of soldiers dropped dead. Nikolai’s heart skipped a beat.  _ Impossible.  _

Nina had wrapped her arms around herself. “I told you so,” she said quietly. “She’ll kill them all.” 

Another row of soldiers dropped dead. Some tried to run, but Zoya’s wrath caught them next. The dead were piling up. It was a play of horrors. “We need to stop her,” Nikolai said eventually. “Give the Fjerdan’s a chance to negotiate-” 

“You wish to step in between her and the army right now?” Tamar asked, raising a brow. “Not very smart, your Highness.” 

She had a point, but things couldn’t continue like this.  _ Inferni  _ flames were still burning around the city, forming a protective ring around Os Alta. The Fjerdan army was shattered, people running in all directions. Some were screaming for their god to protect them. “Stay here,” Nikolai told the others without a second thought, rushing back into the palace. If he could only talk to her, make her understand… the vial with the antidote was heavy in his pocket. 

It took him a few minutes to get down into the city, especially since the streets were crowded with people, staring up at the sky, at Zoya. Their whispers were following Nikolai on his way.  _ Sankta,  _ some were muttering under their breaths.  _ Queen of Storms.  _ He tried his best to pay them no attention. 

Eventually, he was close enough. He stopped in the middle of the market square, hoping that the Ravkans possessed enough wits to stay away. “Zoya,” he said quietly, not bothering to make his voice loud. He knew she would hear him anyway. 

Indeed, her gaze turned towards him. For a second she hesitated, then came down from the sky. She landed in front of him gracefully, her still dilated pupils seeming even more dark now. “You are interrupting my fun,” she purred, brushing her hair away from her face. 

With her skin glowing from the use of her power, she looked even more radiant than usual. Nikolai couldn’t help the staring. But he needed to remind himself of what was happening. “It has to stop now.” He gave her a firm look. “Enough killing, Nazyalensky.” It was true enough. 

Zoya crooked her head to the side, slipping closer. A smirk was tugging at her lips. “You don’t understand,” she replied. “All that power... “ Her eyes were gleaming. “It’s all there for the taking. I’m not letting go of it again.”  _ Again.  _ Like when she had given up her status with the Darkling. 

“That’s the drug talking, Zoya, please.” He reached out for her, carefully taking her hand in his. “You don’t need it to be powerful.” His other hand took the antidote, holding it out to her. 

But she was shaking her head. “You don’t  _ understand, _ ” she replied, although not pulling away just yet. “I-I need it.” Her voice was slightly shaking now. Perhaps the drug was already loosening its grip. Which meant that they needed to be fast. David had said that as soon as the effect wore off, it was too late to stop an addiction. And he would rather die than let that happen. 

“Listen to me, Nazyalensky.” Nikolai stepped closer. “I need you to trust me.” The glass vial was glowing in the sunlight. “Drink this.”  
  
Zoya hesitated, her eyes unmoving. “Do you realize what I could do for this country?” she said eventually. “Not even the Darkling himself could best me right now!” 

Nikolai shook his head. “You’re doing enough, Zoya.” She had made up for her crimes a thousand times over by now. If only he could make her understand. 

“I could do more,” she argued. The  _ parem  _ was making her skin glow in the sunlight. 

Nikolai sighed. “Do you trust me?” 

A few seconds passed in silence, Zoya apparently fighting an inner struggle. Then she nodded, ever so slightly. At least that part was still her. “I can’t let go-” she began, her voice trailing off. She blinked a few times, as if struggling to focus.  _ Not good.  _

Nikolai put the vial into her hand, closing her fingers around it. Her skin felt awfully cold. “Trust me, and I promise you’ll be fine.” A promise he perhaps couldn’t keep. 

Zoya gave him another look, then opened the glass. When she raised it to her lips and drank, Nikolai allowed herself to release the breath he had been holding. 

Almost immediately, Zoya exhaled sharply. Her eyes met Nikolai’s in a look of realization, like the entire weight of her actions was crashing down on her at once. The antidote was working. Her hands were shaking as she dropped the vial. “What have I done?” she whispered faintly, her eyes full of horror. Then she collapsed. 

Nikolai caught her body before she could hit the ground, wrapping his arms around her waist. Panicking, he checked for a pulse. But she was breathing. Nikolai needed to remind himself of that fact as he picked her up in his arms, cradling her body against his own.  _ She was alive. He had not lost her.  _

The walk back to the palace only took him half as long, perhaps because he was almost running. His heart was pounding in his chest so heavily it might as well have jumped out. 

Genya was waiting at the palace gates, her face ashen. “They are calling her a saint,” she muttered, her voice shaking. “Do you hear what they’re saying?” 

Tamar appeared behind her, wearing a grim expression. “They’ve always liked their heroes better dead,” she replied, giving Nikolai a look. “Is she hurt?”  
  
He shook his head. “We need a private room, right now. Not a word gets in or out.” Zoya was much too still in his arms. 

“How do we deal with the Fjerdans?” Tamar cut in. “You need to speak to Brum. Right now.” 

That fact had entirely escaped his mind. But there was no question to what was more important right now. “Let the Fjerdans go,” he said firmly. “They won’t dare to attack again.” 

“Your Highness-” Tamar began, but Nikolai had already continued to walk. He was not going to leave Zoya’s side, not right now. 

Genya was following on his heels, pushing her auburn hair back. Her face was strained. “Nikolai,” she said quietly, her voice urgent. “No one can know.” 

He knew that. Even now, the weight of the secret was heavy on his shoulders. He gave a nod. “I remember.” How could he ever forget? He glanced at Genya, lovely Genya, who had kept their secret safely all those weeks. She was only trying her best here. 

The others were waiting inside the palace, Nikolai quickly pushing past them and hiding inside the room Genya had organized. He put Zoya down on the bed, her skin still glowing, but not enough to hide how strained and pale she looked. Nikolai lingered for a second, his hand brushing over hers, not quite ready to let go just yet. 

“Your Highness,” Genya muttered, her voice a soft warning. 

Nikolai got to his feet, following her outside. 

Tamar was the first who spoke, leaned against the wall across the door. “If the Fjerdans find out that  _ this  _ is Zoya Nazyalensky when dosed with parem, she’s dead. They’ll hunt her down, drug her and use her as a weapon.” Her eyes were gleaming faintly. “We need to think of a cover story.” 

Nikolai ran a hand through his hair, suddenly feeling very exhausted. All he wanted was to go back inside, sit down next to Zoya and make sure she continued breathing. But a king didn’t get such luxuries. 

“The people are already talking in the streets,” Genya noted. “They are calling her a Saint.” She looked at the others. “Why not just make them believe they are right?”  
  
Tamar huffed. “Everyone likes their Saints better dead,” she replied. 

“Fjerda will still come for her,” David remarked. “She’s the perfect weapon.” 

“Or they will be too afraid to even try.” 

He crooked his head in Genya’s direction, a faint smile on his lips. “Maybe.”    
Nikolai’s head was spinning. He felt dizzy. “It might work,” he admitted eventually. “It’s better than the truth in any way.” Only Zoya wouldn’t like that. 

Genya appeared to be thinking the same thing. “Zoya will hate the plan, so it’s probably best if she hears it from you, your Highness.” She added an innocent smile, hiding that she had just created the perfect cover story. 

Nikolai gave her a thankful look. Tamar was smirking slightly. 

Only Nina Zenik looked confused. “What am I missing here?” she wanted to know. Her eyebrows arched up as she crossed her arms. “I’m already in on one secret, another one won’t hurt.” She added a shrug. 

Genya gave Nikolai an expectant look. “Do you care to elaborate, your Highness?” She sounded almost amused by now. 

“If I want Zoya to kill me once she wakes up,” Nikolai muttered. “For this country’s sake, I think you should do it, Genya.” 

Nina Zenik still looked rather lost. “Come on, I really want to know now!” She gave Genya a pleading look. “I’ll be silent as a grave I promise.” 

Genya gave a sigh. “You better be, otherwise Zoya might be tempted to skin you alive.” Her eyes flickered towards Nikolai for a second. “They’re  _ together, _ ” she said eventually. “Zoya and... “ A smile tugged at her lips. “His Highness.” 

Nina Zenik blinked, as if she had suddenly lost her will to speak. Tamar was laughing at her shocked facial expression. 

Nikolai still felt mostly tired, and worried, but even he couldn’t help a small smirk. 

“So together means what exactly?” Nina eventually got out, giving Nikolai a watchful glance. “Zoya isn’t exactly pleasant to be around.” 

“Her virtues probably lie in other areas,” Tamar muttered a response, flashing a grin in Nikolai’s direction. “Judging by all the bruises Genya needs to tailor away every morning.” 

Nikolai shot her a warning look, but Nina was making a face.

“Great to know,” she replied, shaking her head. “That certainly explains the longing looks you’ve been casting in her direction though.” She smiled innocently. “Your Highness.” 

“Nina,” Genya remarked, cutting her off. 

Nikolai had waited long enough anyway. “I’ll be inside,” he said quietly, in Genya’s direction. “No one else gets near the room without us knowing, right?” He looked at Tamar. “Guards at all doors, and I want someone to monitor the moving of the Fjerdan army and what’s going on down in the city.” 

Tamar bowed her head. “I’m on it.” 

“Take care of her,” Genya whispered, giving him an encouraging smile and then turning towards Nina. “Quit staring, Zenik, and let’s go!” 

Nina rolled her eyes, but followed along. Nikolai took another deep breath, then pressed the door handle down and slipped back into the room.

Zoya’s eyes were still closed, but when he sank down on the edge of the bed her lashes were fluttering. Nikolai couldn’t resist the urge to touch her, his fingers brushing briefly over her cheek. Her skin felt awfully cold. 

She blinked a few times, and Nikolai had never before been this glad to see the familiar blue of her eyes. Some part of him hoped she wouldn’t remember what happened. That they could just go on in ignorance. 

But neither of them was that lucky. 

Zoya suddenly sat up, as if the whole wave of memories had crushed down onto her at once. She took a shaky breath, her hands suddenly trembling. When her eyes found Nikolai’s, they were wide with shock. “What have I done,” she whispered, the same words as before. With just as much desperation. 

Nikolai silently reached for her hand. He wasn’t sure if he should - or even could - say anything, and for once even he was out of words. 

Tears were glittering in Zoya’s eyes when she took another uneven breath. “I killed all of them,” she whispered. “And I would have killed even more, I-” 

He interrupted. “I know,” he said carefully. “But you offered to take  _ parem  _ for us, to save this city. And you did.” 

Zoya pressed her lips together, running a shaking hand through her hair. “I’ve never felt anything like that,” she said quietly. “All that power, it was right in front of me... “ She straightened her back, her gaze drifting back to Nikolai. “I felt like a foolish little girl again. Blinded by all the power she could have.” She shook her head. “I never wanted to be that person again.” 

Nikolai sighed. “You took the antidote,” he said calmly. “You could have refused, but you didn’t.” 

Zoya looked at him for a moment before speaking. “Only because it was you,” she said eventually. “You pulled me out of it.” 

Even before the weight of the words had fully sunk in, Nikolai had leaned forward and crashed his lips down onto hers. He reckoned it was probably the completely wrong timing, and absolutely not appropriate, but he couldn’t hold back any longer. 

Zoya’s fingers curled up in the fabric of his shirt, her lips opening under his as she clung to him as if he was her lifeline, saving her from drowning. His hands slid into her hair, pushing her back into the pillows, to get even closer. 

Zoya eventually pulled away, gasping for air. She still appeared shaken up, but when she looked up into Nikolai’s eyes her gaze was steady. “What was that for?” she asked quietly, letting her fingers brush over his neck. 

He kissed her again, this time softer. Barely a whisper of a kiss against her lips. “For coming back to me, Nazyalensky,” he replied, shifting in the bed so he was lying next to her. “I couldn’t run this country without you, you know.” It was tempting to fall back into the familiar routine of teasing, of ignoring everything that had happened. 

Zoya rolled her eyes, apparently choosing not to bother with a reply. “Did the Fjerdans leave?” she said instead. Always the general. 

Nikolai nodded, his hands still absentmindedly playing with her hair. “They’re gone.” He hesitated for a moment, watching Zoya’s expression. “But we will need to keep the involvement of  _ parem  _ a secret.” 

A shadow passed over her face. “And how do you plan to explain my sudden murder spree?” she replied, her voice a little too sharp to hide her emotions. 

Could he tell her, right now? Nikolai allowed a few seconds to pass in silence, choosing his next words very carefully. “The people are already talking,” he began. “They came up with a good enough explanation.” 

Zoya snorted. “Why, you want to make me a Saint now?” she muttered, but suddenly fell silent as she saw Nikolai’s expression. “No,” she shot back. “No way!” 

He sighed. “Zoya, listen…” 

She shook her head. “No!” Her eyes were glittering with determination. “You’re not  _ charming  _ me into this, Nikolai!” 

He let out an exasperated breath, reaching for her hand. Her skin was still much too cold. “Who cares what the people are saying? Let them call you a saint, why does it bother you? The Fjerdans have been calling you worse names for years now, you’ve never shed a tear about that.” He watched a shadow pass over her face.  _ Nightmare,  _ the Fjerdans whispered to each other. They told each other tales of Commander Nazyalensky, the deadliest Grisha of them all. Soon they would have one more story to tell. 

“Alina was a saint,” Zoya replied quietly. “Now they are celebrating her death.” 

_ They always liked us better dead.  _ Nikolai nodded. “What other choice do we have? If our enemies hear that  _ this  _ is what this drug does to Zoya Nazyalensky, they will never stop hunting you. They will capture you, throw you in a cage and make you an addict, turning you against this country. Is that what you want?”

Zoya raised her chin in defiance. “I would never turn against Ravka.”    
“Then they would kill you,” he replied, trying to keep his tone matter-of-factly. 

Her gaze flickered for a moment. “Let them try,” she muttered in response, suddenly sitting up straight, slipping away from him. “What happened to the Fjerdan army?” she asked, having climbed out of the bed before Nikolai had the time to protest. For a second she seemed to lose her balance, but he had caught her before she could stumble. 

“Easy, Nazyalensky,” he muttered into her ear, pressing a kiss to her cheek before letting go of her waist. “They’re running off, naturally. Tamar is seeing to that.” 

Zoya steadied herself, brushing some hair away from her face and straightening her back, hiding the potential weakness. Even from Nikolai. “Good,” she replied, taking a deep breath. “Where are the others?” 

“Outside,” Nikolai replied, wondered whether it was a great idea to tell Zoya about Nina Zenik’s involvement right now. “One more thing,” he decided to say, holding her back. “Nina knows.” 

Zoya raised a brow, giving him a confused look. “About what?” 

Nikolai huffed. “Us.” 

For a second Zoya looked like she was going to rip off his head. “You’re kidding me,” she replied, her tone dangerously reserved. “Nina,  _ out of all people?”  _ A breeze flooded the room as her power spiraled, the impact of it making Zoya almost stumble again. 

Nikolai sighed. “You shouldn’t be up just yet.” Naturally, she wasn’t going to listen either way, but it was worth a try. 

As expected, Zoya brushed the concerns away with a dismissive wave. “You decided it was a great time to let everyone know?” she hissed back, giving him a lethal stare. Her blue eyes were flashing. 

Nikolai didn’t reply. Instead he crossed the distance between them and kissed her, kissed her the way he had longed to kiss her earlier today on the balcony, or just a few minutes ago when she had woken up. Zoya’s lips opened under his when she got onto her tiptoes, wrapping her arms around his neck, her fingers curling up in his hair. He could still taste the aftermath of  _ parem  _ on her lips, but he couldn’t have cared any less in that moment. 

A knock on the door eventually ripped them back into reality, Zoya breathing unevenly as she pulled away, giving Nikolai one last look before turning away to open. 

Genya was waiting in the hallway, releasing a little shriek at the sight of Zoya and immediately pulling her into a hug. “Saints, I’m so glad,” she muttered, and Nikolai couldn’t help a little grin as Zoya struggled to get away. 

“Genya, seriously,” she muttered. “You’re acting like I just died and came back to life.” 

Genya snorted. “You almost did,” she replied defensively, stepping away so Zoya could join her in the hallway. Nikolai followed with enough distance. 

Nina Zenik was waiting outside, leaning against one of the walls, clothed in her usual bright red  _ kefta.  _ Zoya’s eyes narrowed at the sight of her, and she crossed her arms, giving Nina one of her famous stares. “If I’m hearing one word about this from you, Zenik-” she began, and the threat sounded nothing but serious. “I’m sending you on a boat back to Fjerda.” 

Nina had the audacity to grin, her eyes gleaming with amusement. “My lips are sealed, no worries,” she replied, clicking her tongue. “I’m just glad I finally know that the rumours about where you’re spending your nights are true.” 

Zoya looked like she was about to gut Nina alive, so Nikolai thought it a good time to interrupt. “Glad that you talked it through,” he cut in, putting a hand on Zoya’s arm, giving her a warning glance. 

She snorted, fluffing her hair over her shoulder and pulling away. “I’ll see where Tamar is.” 

Nina gave Nikolai a quick glance. “Charming,” she commented. 

It was almost night when Nikolai finally caught up with Zoya, who had spent the rest of the day trying to get things back into order, ignoring the things which had happened with a stone-cold determination that was unlikely even for her. He finally found her outside on the palace balcony, staring out into the darkness of Os Alta beneath her. 

He stopped next to her, leaning against the railing while watching her expression. She looked a million miles away. “You’re not to blame for what happened,” he said eventually. 

Zoya blinked a few times, as if she had just noticed that he was even there. “I am,” she replied, turning her face away. “No one told me to take the  _ parem,  _ I wanted to.” She took a shaky breath. “I wanted to know what it feels like.” 

“What did it feel like?” 

She hesitated. “Like I was holding the entire world in my hands.” Her eyes darted towards Nikolai for a second. “I could sense everything. I could defy the rules of  _ everything,  _ if I had only tried. And now… I miss it.” 

Nikolai nodded. “You already defied the rules,” he said gently. “You already broke the bonds of the Grisha orders.” 

The amplifiers on her wrists were glittering in the moonlight as Zoya brushed a dark strand away from her face. “What if it isn’t enough?” The question hung in the air for a few seconds. 

He had no answer, if he were to be honest, which was something he wasn’t quite used to. “You don’t need  _ parem  _ to be strong, Zoya,” he replied instead. “You already are.” 

She gave him a quick look as if to check whether his expression was genuine, then turned away again. With the moonlight illuminating her features, she looked even more beautiful. “Are they going to start building shrines for me now?” she asked suddenly, the shadow of a smile dancing across her lips. 

Nikolai couldn’t help but laugh. “You wish,” he replied. 

“My face would look magnificent painted onto an altar,” Zoya added, giving him a playful glance while turning away from the city and towards him. “If I have to play the saint I want the proper treatment.” 

“You would,” Nikolai agreed. “I knew being a saint would suit you just fine.” 

Zoya gave him an amused look, her eyes fixed on his. For a long moment nothing happened. “Thank you,” she said eventually. “For pulling me back.” It was perhaps the most genuine thing she had ever told him. 

Nikolai tilted his head a little. “Did you try using your powers yet?” After all,  _ parem  _ had managed to twist Nina’s power almost entirely. 

A shadow passed over her face. “No.” Zoya was now looking down at her hands. “Tamar told me we should try tomorrow. In case-” 

_ Something goes wrong.  _ There was no need to finish the sentence. “I see,” Nikolai replied quietly, sensing the pain in Zoya at the thought of losing her powers. “We’ll see tomorrow.” 

Zoya offered him a sad smile. “I suppose we will.”

In the morning, Tamar and Zoya left for the fighting pits. Nikolai and Genya strayed behind, followed by a curious Nina Zenik who they didn’t succeed to shake off. The three of them settled at the edge of the pit, while Zoya and Tamar stepped into the center of the small arena. 

Even from the distance, Nikolai could see the strain on his general’s face. The worry. The fear in her eyes when she raised her hands, waiting for Tamar’s signal. The air was unusually silent. 

“The easiest first,” Tamar said into the quiet, giving Zoya a grim look. “Raise a storm.” 

Instantly, the air responded. If Zoya had been a quick summoner before, it was nothing compared to the swiftness of her powers now, the way the storm picked up around her, brushing over her skin. Even in Nikolai’s eyes, it was remarkable. 

Zoya closed her fists, and a deep growl of thunder shook the air. Her lips were spread into a content smile, her skin already aglow from the power rushing through her. For a second, he saw her on  _ parem  _ again. Perhaps the drug had left its trace. Lightning was cracking in the sky. 

Nikolai watched Tamar exhale sharply, obviously equally glad as he was. At least Zoya was still a squaller. He exchanged a quick look with Genya, whose gaze was thoughtful. But she didn’t voice any concerns, only looked away again. 

They watched Zoya master both the elements of water and fire with ease, her flames burning almost as steadily as those of trained inferni. If anything,  _ parem  _ had made her stronger. More precise. It was like watching a magician at work as she spun a ring of flames around herself, making them rise high into the air. 

Nikolai watched uneasily.  _ If the Fjerdans found out, she was dead. If the Shu found out, she would be made a slave.  _ He didn’t dare to imagine the power Zoya could unleash if drugged with  _ parem  _ again. The destruction would find no end. 

“Okay, Nazyalensky,” Tamar said eventually. The fire died down around her. “Let’s see if you have the skill to be a heartrender.” She was flashing her grin at Zoya. 

Nikolai felt his heart beating faster. He remembered the Fjerdan soldiers falling dead all around Zoya, in her wave of anger. Something about the expression on her face told him that she was thinking of the same scene just now. 

But she raised her hands all the same, locking her gaze with Tamar’s. For a moment nothing happened. Then eventually, Tamar’s eyes widened and her breath hitched, for only a second, before Zoya let go. 

“Impossible,” Genya was whispering. 

Tamar gave Nikolai a troubled look. “She just slowed my heart rate.”

Zoya’s eyes met Nikolai’s for only a second, before she turned her face away to hide her expression. “I want to try something else,” she said, to no one in particular, reaching for the knife strapped to her waist. Before anyone could react, she had torn the blade across her palm. 

Nikolai swallowed hard as he realized what she was going to try. He could read it in the expression on her face. Because one division of Grisha power was left, one Zoya had never yet dared to touch. One which was perhaps the hardest to master.

But Zoya’s face was iron determination, and as she pressed her fingers to her own skin, blood now dripping from her hands, she looked like she was going to force herself to heal with sheer will power. 

Genya gasped audibly as the wound began to close under Zoya’s fingertips, leaving nothing but smudges of dried blood. “Impossible,” she whispered again, shaking her head. But it wasn’t. Not anymore. 

Nikolai cleared his throat. “No one apart from us will know about this.” His gaze rested on Nina Zenik for a moment, who had not said a single word the entire time. She was staring back unapologetically. 

Zoya dropped her hands, her face know visibly strained from the use of her power. “I suppose the little trip on  _ parem  _ paid off in the end.” 

Nikolai shot her a dark look. “Why are you suddenly able to use  _ corporalki  _ powers?” he wanted to know, suspecting from the look on her face that there was something she had not yet mentioned. 

Zoya hesitated. “I could have done it before, if I had known how to. The dragon never got around to show me.” She shrugged. “But when you take  _ parem,  _ the world changes.” Her gaze flickered towards Nina. “Everything becomes a lot more clear.” 

A certain uneasiness crept over Nikolai. Worry.  _ No one could know.  _ More secrets being woven around them, more stories to be protected. “Zoya,” he said, without thinking. “A word?” 

She gave him an unreadable look, but nodded. Genya grabbed Nina’s arm and gestured for her to move, although Nina didn’t miss the chance to give Nikolai and Zoya one last interested look, raising her eyebrows. 

Zoya ignored her, turning away and walking a few steps into the middle of the field. She looked restless, her back tensed. Only now did Nikolai get a close look at her, and the dark shadows under her eyes. She didn’t look like she had slept at all, now that the glow of her power had left her. 

“Are you okay?” he wanted to know, once they were alone. 

Zoya sighed, giving him a glance. “Why did you want to talk?” she asked, skipping over the question entirely. 

For a second he felt hurt that she assumed that he needed a reason to want to talk to her at all. That it seemed so unlikely that all he wanted was to make sure she was fine. “I’m worried about you,” Nikolai chose to reply. “You don’t look well.” 

“I look great,” Zoya shot back, her eyes slightly narrowing. “I always do.” 

Nikolai rolled his eyes in response. “Could you stop being defensive for a second, Nazyalensky?”

Very suddenly Zoya fell silent. She looked up at him wordlessly, her blue eyes thoughtful. “It feels different,” she said eventually. “Using my powers.” 

“Different how?”  
  
She released a frustrated breath, turning away. A breeze rose around her, caressing her skin. “Tempting. Like I could do so much more if only I dared. Perhaps this is how Morozova felt before he created his amplifiers.” She huffed. “Or the Darkling, before he created the Shadow Fold.” 

Nikolai frowned. “You’re not the Darkling, Zoya.” 

When she turned back to him, her gaze was much darker. “Yesterday I was not all that different, was I?” 

Nikolai was aware that she thought he didn’t understand the pull of power, didn’t know the feeling that power - genuine power - brought you. The exhilaration. The temptations. But Nikolai knew all too well. Even if he wished that he didn’t. 

And he also remembered the way Zoya’s eyes had turned to silver slits after their return from the Shadow Fold. He moved towards her, half having expected her to draw away. 

But she didn’t, instead stilled when his arms wrapped around her waist. “It started in the fold,” she said very quietly. “When I killed Elizaveta. I-” She appeared to be struggling for words. “I felt it for the first time. That pull. After I woke up from  _ parem  _ it was worse, and now it’s… all I can think about.” 

Nikolai was hardly used to Zoya being honest about her feelings, but he was glad that she was. Because then there was still something to be done. “Listen,” he said gently, brushing a hand over her cheek. “You resisted. You took the antidote.” He looked into her eyes, seeing the doubts lingering there. “And if you ever get tempted too much, I’ll pull you back.” It was a promise he intended to keep. 

Zoya leaned slightly more into the embrace, her breath brushing over his jawline as she turned her head upwards. “I’m counting on it,” she replied, a slight smile tugging at her lips. “After all  _ I _ freed you from the monster.” 

Nikolai chuckled, shrugging in defeat. “You’re right,” he admitted. “I owe you.” 

She gave him a triumphant look, the shadow on her face seeming a little less daunting in that moment. “You owe me much more than that, your Highness. You better start paying it off.” 

Nikolai’s lips brushed over hers at the words, feeling her shudder under the touch. “I will,” he promised. “Starting now.”   
  
Zoya knew better than to object. 


End file.
